A few years ago, I worked with a highly successful CEO. On paper, he had everything… wealth, recognition, family, freedom. Yet in conversation he admitted, “I just can’t enjoy it. I feel guilty when I buy things for myself. I push away compliments. Even when opportunities come my way, I find reasons to say no.”

It wasn’t that he didn’t have things. He couldn’t let himself have them.

This is the hidden barrier many of us face. We say we want love, money, peace, freedom, or recognition. But when it actually shows up… we resist. We downplay the compliment. We reject the gift. We self-sabotage the opportunity.

That invisible force has a name: Havingness.

What is Havingness?

Most people think of “having” as owning material possessions… cars, homes, things. But Havingness goes deeper.

It’s your ability to receive something… physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual… fully own it, let it go when you choose, share it with others, or even destroy it without fear, guilt, or resistance.

Put simply:

Havingness = your freedom to receive, keep, or release with ease.

The more you can have, the more life can give you. The less you can have, the more you push away.

What Gets in the Way of Havingness

If Havingness is about being at peace with what flows into and out of your life, what blocks it?

1. Emotional Barriers

  • Unworthiness: “I don’t deserve this.”
  • Guilt/Shame: Conditioned beliefs that having is selfish or bad.
  • Fear of loss: Believing that if you get it, it will be taken away.
  • Fear of judgment: Worrying about what others will think if you succeed.

2. Mental Beliefs

  • Scarcity thinking: Believing there isn’t enough for everyone.
  • All-or-nothing mindset: If I can’t have it all, I won’t take any.
  • Control issues: Resisting flow because it feels unpredictable.

3. Energetic & Spiritual Blocks

  • Blocked flow: Hoarding or clinging shuts down the natural cycle.
  • Over-identification: Confusing your worth with what you have or don’t have.
  • Incompletion: Holding on to old baggage that clutters your space for new.

How to Improve Your Havingness

Here’s a simple process you can practice on your own, with a partner, or in a group.

Step 1: Awareness

Ask yourself: “What am I unwilling or unable to have right now?”

Money? Recognition? Love? Free time? Identify it clearly.

Step 2: Receiving Drill

Imagine receiving it. Notice any tension or resistance that comes up.

Breathe into the discomfort. Let it be there without fighting it.

Step 3: Ownership Drill

Hold the idea or object in your mind (or in your hands). Say:

“This is mine, and it’s safe to have.”

Feel the sensation of acceptance.

Step 4: Release Drill

Now imagine letting it go, giving it away, or destroying it.

Notice if fear, guilt, or resistance appears.

Repeat until releasing feels neutral.

Step 5: Shopping Drill (The Real-Life Test)

Go shopping, either for something small (a pair of shoes, a shirt, a meal) or something bigger (a piece of art, a luxury item).

  • Notice discomfort: Do you feel guilty? Do you hesitate? Do you rationalize not buying?
  • Stay with it: Breathe into the resistance instead of escaping it.
  • Expand into it: Remind yourself, “It’s safe to have. I am allowed to own this.”
  • Own it: Make the purchase consciously, then bring it home. Allow yourself to feel what it’s like to truly have it… without minimizing or dismissing.

This simple act often reveals hidden blocks around deservingness, money, and value. By moving through the discomfort, you train your system to expand its capacity to have.

Step 6: Flow Expansion

Cycle through: Receive → Own → Not Own → Give Away → Destroy.

Do this with different things… money, love, opportunities, relationships.

Step 7: Practice in Life

  • Accept a compliment without deflecting.
  • Receive a gift gracefully.
  • Let go of something you’ve outgrown.

Each small practice expands your capacity to have.

A Metaphor to Remember

Havingness is like your ability to hold water in a container.

  • If the container is cracked (guilt/shame), you can’t keep what flows in.
  • If the container is too small (scarcity thinking), you overflow and reject abundance.
  • If the container is sealed shut (fear of loss), nothing flows in or out.

Expanding Havingness means repairing the cracks, enlarging the container, and allowing water to flow freely.

Final Thought

The quality of your life isn’t just about what you pursue or create… it’s also about what you can have.

If you can’t have love, wealth, recognition, or peace, it doesn’t matter how much of it comes your way… you’ll push it aside or sabotage it.

But when you expand your Havingness, you open yourself to more flow, more freedom, and more fulfillment.

Because the truth is simple:

Life can only give you what you can have.